The Pack

 It always comes 'round eventually, something that makes me question the labels I have settled on and told everyone else I was for so long. I dunno, man, Human Sexuality is just bizarre and diverse as hell, and it crops up in different ways. I wish it was as straightforward as movies and media made it seem to be. See hot person. Have undeniable sexual and or romantic attraction. Boom. Solved.

In real life, in real time, I don't feel sexual attraction. Even if someone I find aesthetically, physically appealing would come up to me and express interest in having sex, I just. No.

But.

And there is a but and it is a big but...

Online, the anonymity gives a sense of 'yeah totally I'm down to do shit'. And in my own brain, where I am in total control, I can be like 'hmm yes Id absolutely Fuck That Person like daaaamn'.

And sometimes it just feels.... Contradictory. I relate heavily to the term Autochorissexual, it's what feels most right. But even then I just. Feel Wrong! And then there's the whole mess of the fact most of the time, I project my desires onto characters, to distance myself from the act that has been tainted by my abuse. Which doesn't impact how I personally feel, but still gets me sometimes because the characters I do it with are typically... OC's and Self Insert OC's (fursona included) or characters I relate heavily to and project on.

AAaaaaaagh. 

I guess in reality it isn't too complicated if I don't get into the details, but I'm someone who just dissects herself into the smallest, most digestible parts, so I can digest it all myself. I don't necessarily do it for other people. I'm gonna keep going on with just being Asexual but. Sometimes I wonder about what constitutes a boundary that I'm possibly passing.